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0 Let Me Down
[20 Jun 2006|04:49pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

Another fight. Everythings fine now, but these fights are so stupid. Its my fault. I know it is. If it werent for me getting bored and thinking about things that really arent worth picking apart, none of these fights would happen. Yet again, if Jeff would not do things to provoke this behavior, we'd not have this problem either. He cant tell me what to do or not do because he knows id just do it regardless. I dont hold myself back for other people, only certain circumstances. Im just depressed for no reason, and Im just taking it out on him. Its not that hes not showing emotion, he just doesnt know what to do. I really need to be on antidepressants but damn having a blood clot. My mom said she'd cry if Jeff and I were to ever break up. I would too. ha. Some woman saw our picture and seh said "i hope he treats her as good as he looks"..aw.

I went and talked to Tim about all of this. I run to guys about relationship problems because I know id get an honest, fair, opinion. He said you can see too much of someone and get bored. Everything thats happened passes, and I look back and everything was just a bump in our road of happiness. This isnt me. This isnt who I am. I feel like my life has been a blur. Its summer. Enjoy.

Sunday I worked. It sucks, I finally found a job and people I like working with, and the pay just SUCKS. Alex is the biggest fucking flirt I know. It was fun though. We went to eat at Red Robins and Steph and I talked about our guys. its weird, girls talk about their relationships, and you would think guys do, but they dont! Tim said that he could tell a difference in Jeff and I when we were out the other night. We just need things to do..Im just getting bored.

I went and played pool up at shooters with Steph, Tim, Brooks, Michael, Marie, Brittney, Jeff, and Alex. Ive been going through this huge pool phase because theres nothign to do around here (hense the reason everyone smokes pot and drinks). Im actually supposed to go play with Will later tonight. I promised 4 people id quit smoking on monday.. FOR GOOD. Lets see if i can...

Im really tired of this high school jealously flirt bullshit. Girls flirt and dont notice. We do it infront of our boyfriends. Shit, I do it infront of Jeff all the time and he knows it and he doesnt have a problem with it because he knows thats how girls are and at the end of the night my heart is with him. I mean you cant expect someone to not flirt if you do it yourself. Its whether or not you act upon those flirting feelings.

Monday I taught swim lessons. *takes out gun to shoot myself*. Im just not a kid person. If it were my kid or sibling, itd be different, but I just hate kids! Anyways, I came home and passed out until 315. Then I got a shower and Jeff and I went to Chengs for dinner. After, we went to Borders and were waiting for time to pass and looked at Kauma Sutra books (what boyfriend do you know that does that!) and saw Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Honestly, that movie is better than the first one. I loved it. I want a car to soup up now, haha. Fuck this matrix shit. (what girl do you know that loves cars.. god i want a rice burner!)

HAHAHA Sure enough, we were walking out of the movies and Jeff goes "Im gonna race Steve in August in drifting..." and I heard this annoying ass voice and i was like "I know that voice" and I turned around and it was steves three brothers, Jimmy, ROnnie and Bobby..and I was like " hey bobby" and he just looked at me and said "oh hey" and didnt know what to do and walked away. Haha speak of the devil.

I spent the night at Jeffs. I woke up to his sister yelling at his nephew. Thats all the kid does is cry and Emma yell. Its really fucking annoying. Jeff's power went out last night. I went to work and Will sent me home because they didnt need all those guards at Cromwell. I was pissed, I need hours and I keep getting sent home.

So Stephanie is moving to Round Hill. EE. Jeff said something the other night about how we talk shit about eachother.. and even Steph agreed with me when I said thats just how we get along.

AH! And Im so sick of SOMEONE aruging with me over knowing shit that they dont know. We, in sterling, do shit differently than ashburn. Telling me I wont get released and will be a probie until im 18.. UH! Well, your status changes from Probationary to OPERATIONAL MEMBER until yout 18 when you can be in the back by yourself. Jesus christ, dont tell me I dont know. Im the daughter of the fucking comissioner. I know more shit that goes on in this county than anyone my age in Fire and Rescue.

QOTW:

"ive smoked a lot of thigns, anddd tape isnt one of them"

"It aint over until the fat lady sings"
"*looks around at fat lady singing*.. well i guess its over"

"I dont dive, I flop."

"I hate the 3 p's.. Panties, Penis, Pussy"

"being around you guys makes me wanna smoke"
"try dating the fucker.. oh shit that reminds me, i need cigs. The four times I need them: Ihop, Pool, bowling alley, drunk"



I love how he says "have a goodnight and sweet dreams" to me EVERY night. Hasnt missed a night since we started dating.

0 Let Me Down
[13 Jun 2006|09:58pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I go ta 64 on my chemistry final. Everyone failed. And I mean EVERYONE.

My history project was due today. Its nice to have all that stress off my chest. That was THE project from hell!!!!!!!! I felt so bad for Kenny G. He was stuck with that Mariah girl and she didnt do ANYTHING. And Kenny is all about getting good grades and he was just standing up there presenting so ashamed. I think lee is basing it on what work you did...not the group.

I feel really bad for Christian. The like two times he smokes pot his dad reads something in his yearbook and thinks hes doing coke and decides to do a drug test.. so he was running around school today chugging water and drinking all this cranberry juice. that blows. thats just pure bad luck.

After school I went to Moes with Mus, Whit and Chris. Whit and I came back here and I dyed my hair. Then we tanned in my backyard. Thenn we practically did nothing. She wrote be like 2 1/2 pages in my yearbook. No one has signed it, and I really dont care. Our brains are pretty much connected :) We caught up on a bunch of gossip and laughed about old memories. Ahh summer, I cant wait. Just hearing my chemical romance and talking about getting salads at ruby tuesdays reminded me of last summer.. those were the two stamps of summer '05.

Im so exited about California! Jeff said his sister wants a "girls night" for her and I. Ha, I love his sister.

I dyed my hair dark brown. I like having dark hair in the summer. Jeff was like "i told you not to dye it black!" and i go "its not black, its just relaly really dark brown!" haha.

I dont know what I want in life, what makes people think they know for me.. I dont even know, HOW CAN THEY!? Im tired of people telling me how I can and cannot think . Its really old. Im my own person, I dont tell you what you can and cant think. Im there for you, to l isten to you bitch, cry, celebrate whatever, and I dont do any of that to you.. and yet in return you think you can for me. Nope, sorry. Im sorry I hate my life more each day, thats just how I am.. I hate something new each day, and thats MY own problem that im trying to fix. If I want help, ill come to you. I want to change, yet I dont know what TO change.

Why cant steve just leave me alone. I looked out my window cuz I heard a loud exhaust and dodge neon was slowly and loudly driving by my car.. it was a dark one like steve and an older one. I swear, if that was him, im gonna flip. I parked my car in the garage just incase. im livid right now. Why cant he just grow up. I left him alone now he needs to do the same. My mom talked about getting a restraining order on him. i live in the BACK of my neighborhood..no one comes down this far to turn around. im laughing about how childish it is, yet im pissed off and yet i want to cry

Everytime I think about how much I want to kill that mother fucker, I think about Jeff and how great he is to me.

Btw: we're going to a NICE dinner on Monday! Im excited.

QOTD:

"thatssssss a sloth!"

"Monday!" O_O "PERFECT!"

ALL RISING SENIORS AT HHS ('07!!!!), CAMPOUT AT WATERMELON PARK ON THURSDAY..BE THERE! ;) BYOB!

1 Let Me Down
Say goodnight and go [07 Jun 2006|05:50pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I CANT WAIT TO MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT FUCKING NEGATIVITY AND DOOR SLAMMING!!!!!! >:o

So my dad admitted to my mom the other day hes thought about whether or not he has a drinking problem, holy shit, finally.

I really dont remember yesterday at school. Everything has been such a blur. I got the "most likely to be absent" award in Newspaper. Courtney said I was affected by sophomoritis last year! lol. I pissed Cissel off cuz I said "fag"..which HE is (even our editior agreed with me today!)..and I said something like "i dont care about being yelled at" or something along those lines and he was like " i know you dont" and brittany was holding back her laugh. It was hilarious.

I hate heritage...I cant wait to get out of there. Its just not a high school to me.. The people dont look it at all.

I met up with Laura for coffee for awhile. It was nice to talk to her and spend time talking about shit that I knew only she'd kinda understand with that whole group, lol. Its actually kinda funny to look at their lives and laugh at them because its ridiculous.

I came home and worked on my project.

Today I slept through algebra AGAIN cuz we arent doing shit in any of my classes. I passed out yearbooks 2nd and 3rd period..and I got the joy of yelling out directions for telling people where to go.

English we didnt do anything. Michael Ghilmetti was telling people about how he pushed me off my bike when we were growing up. It was actually kinda funny. And Sam Matthews knows Jess Dutcher, random.

I said to Josh about how Whitney and i were talking about what it would feel like to have a boner..and i said something like "i wanna feel a boner" and then josh yells out "why dont you just grab someones!" and i started laughing and was like OH MAN.. because its just so JOSH.

I went to Sterling to register for my classes at NOVA and come to find out someone registered with MY social security number. WTF? So I have to take my card down there and take my placement tests and sh it then get my classes. ugh, headache.

Then work called me on the way home.. Yeah i have no life.. LETS CALL BETH IN TO WORK!!!

-----

Oh and Jeff and I got in a nice ol' fight last night because of my dad. Ive been stressed right? And im tired of my dad, right? right. So i made the mistake of taking it out on jeff. It was a complete accident which flurished into something stupid.

Jeff and I were talking outside for awhlie then I came inside and my dad kept asking me what the problem was..and quite frankly, its NONE of his business..even my mom said that this morning. When he sits there in silence after I say something or just looks at me with a blank look on his face doesnt help ANYTHING and I just dwell more..as opposed to changing the subject ill be fine. One day hes blaming my period and the next its "youre only like this when your stressed"..well what is it?! my period or stress?!

He called me on the phone on the way home.. I just started bawling. I want to be happy, im so unhappy with everything. If you really know me, you know im not happy and i just throw different shit in my life to keep me satisified for the moment. People just think i have it made and the perfec tlittle life and dont understand. Im not saying i have it wors ethan the next person, but honestly im tired of caring about other people when they dont give two fucks about me.

If i could erase my life and start everything over, I would. I told him that my therapist even said me living in a household with negativity and no support isnt helping my depression and he said as soon as i graduate he'll get an apartment with me..but ill still be 17 until I start college. We're not a fucking family..familys support eachother not say shit behind eachothers back secretly wishing eachother would just go out of town for a few nights.. Maybe the reason I hate my dad so much is because I hate myself and Im just a reflecting image of my dad. Its just dragging me down and I feel like im dragging Jeff down. Just, nothing is good enough for my dad.

He said I need to stop looking at the big picture of life. Stop living in yesterday and tomorrow and start living into today. Thats just not who I am. Its impossible to change yourself after being accustomed to 16 years of doing that one certain thing. He told me to stop stressing out. HA. Im a RAMBO, Im a bitch like my nanna, and have the temper of my dad. Sorry doesnt work.

He told me I have it made. And I took it as if I have everything my life..i have a perfect life. I went off...when he meant I have it made like doing what I do (EMT) and knowing what I want to do with my life, I can do anything I want. I have the path drawn out for me. Yet, he doesnt know how fucking scared I am to get on that path.

I honestly just cant do anything right lately. I feel like such a bad person. Its always me who needs to change, never him..When the only reason I react the ways I do is because im reacting to what HE does.

Another thing that pisses me off is how he said basically in so many words to stop calling him when hes with his friends. Okay typically I dont call him when hes with his friends, but when Im upset to the point where I was the other night, IM gonna call the person who "loves" and "cares" about me. Ya know what, All this shit is just gonna make me lock up again. He said that he cant control his friends.. Robert thinks everythings a joke. I didnt even hear him make one effort to shut them up though. If im not important enough to get FIVE minutes out his time with his friends when I call him crying, then im not important at all. He said that robert was just trying to be funny cuz I was upset..and when im upset it works.. but when im stressed comic relief wont work.. AT ALL. It just pisses me off more.

Then he pissed me off today. Im just taking all my stress out on him. HE KNOWS I wont be able to see him tomorrow cuz I have an exam friday that I need to study for.. and he wont see me friday because of duty and he insisted on going catfishing tonight.. I understand you want to hang out with your friends..but I mean jesus christ, YOU KNOW THESE THIGNS! And then he kept asking me over and over what was going on tonight when I told him about 5 times in about 5 different ways each time. arrgghhh!

I just need to apologize. But I dont apologize..even when I know im wrong. We were fine..what happened!? It goes in spurts like this so im not surprised.

I want everything to be over. NOW.
i want the yelling to stop.. i want

Oh and get this shit, my dads taking my car away FOR THE SUMMER if I get a D or F on my exams. And I think I made honor roll this quarter. WOW

I know when to differenciate whether to be serious or have fun. I have that type of maturity level to know the difference.

I think my brother is driving the ambulance friday night. ohh man.

0 Let Me Down
what?! [04 Jun 2006|11:41pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Jeff was here until about 1230 Friday night.

I got about 6 hours of sleep.

SATs BLEW. Holy shit. Im not taking those anymore.
That was the longest i have ever had to sit still. It was horrible. I started to lose my concentration towards the end.

And i come home to a wonderful IM from Kathy...

Xo DuM dE dUm oX (9:19:59 AM): so steve told me that u told him i went/go around sleeping with a bunch of guys

Auto response from OMG its a gnome (9:19:59 AM): SATs... >:o
AHH KILL ME im so tired :-(

ill be home before work at 3

dont call lol

Xo DuM dE dUm oX (9:20:03 AM): is that true why would u say that


WTF?! Ive cut myself out of steves life. why is he gonna do that shit!? I mean how OLD is he to sink that shallow?! I want to call and bitch him out so fucking bad but thats exactly what he wants me to do, so im not. He wanted me out of his life, not to talk to trevor or christine, and I havent. Why is it everytime im happy..he has to ruin it and stress me out.


Yesterday was a BLAST!

I called out of work and told them my mom hurt her back. I went and picked up Brooks and we went to lunch at Fridays. From there we went to Starbucks and then ended up at the barn. I rode Thunder, took him over a few jumps. He was good. Lazy, but good.

After we called tim and steph and asked what they were up to..and we went and picked them up and went upto marios for dinner. We decided it would be fun to get everyone together for bowling. We called Beth and Dave and Burka. So I had to stop at home and then we went.

Good thing I was home when I was, My dad called. I asked if ic ould go bowling and he told me no and said "dont leave" and I mexipacked my car and we left...lol.

It was so much fun. Brooks had a great time. So did I. I love nights with my friends. They are my anti depressants, the glue to hold me together. Jeff joined us when he got off at work.

We got home around 2am. Guess who was driving after cerfew!? Awww, breakin' the lawww.

So this whole steve thing completely went down hill. Brooks and Stephanie were playing around with him in the car. It was pretty funny. I did my part and yelled him for dragging me into something that happened over a year ago and was now not apart of. Brooks and Stephanie just played with his head

I mean It didnt bother me yelling at him, but yet we both know eachothers weaknesses and were using them to one anothers advantages. I mean he goes "now you know what its like to be lied about" and im like "what are you talking about" and he goes "you lied months ago" and im like "whatd i lie about" he goes "i dont remember, i just know you lied" wow..you made a great case there!

Then he said I better watch my car infront of like 4 people. and then if something WOULD have happened, his ass woulda been in court with 4 witnesses. I mean who are they gonna believe, the fire and rescue commissioners DAUGHTER or HIM?!

more happened but im not getting into detail. But Steve and Jeff are racing in August for $2000. I cannot wait to see this.

Jeff spent the night and I didnt end up goign to sleep until 3am. I was so tired at work. I fell asleep in the chair. I was tired I felt drunk. No one was there until around 12pm. He wanted me to come back at 6..so i told him I would go home and sleep for a few hours and then come back. Thank god he called me around 5 and told me not to come in cuz I was SO tired.

Jeff irritated me. One minute my problem isnt important, the next it is because he "doesnt want to lose me".. He said he didnt go to bed until for and watched me sleep. aw, how cute. He said he knows what gets to me and hes not as stupid as I think..that my family and my appearance get to me the most.. and they do.

I hung out with brooks for a few hours again today cuz I needed to get out of the house. My parents are home for like 30 minutes and are bitching at me. I threw my shit down screamed at them and went upstairs. I swear to god, JUST GO BACK OUT OF TOWN!

So him and I decided we're moving to Ireland and doing EMS out there and gonna live above a bar lol.

This weekend ive really put my friends before myself. And its kinda caught upto me. But my friends mean so much to me that everything im feeling right now is worth it because i know in return they are there for me.

I dunno. Sleep.

QOTD:
"I like girls with no gag reflex's!"
"Aww, does he need me to buy a grammar book?"
"are you gonna play nice?" "i dont know" "well what do I get if you dont" "nothing" "aww, well thats no fun *click*"

"RETARD.. R-E-T-A-R-D.. sometimes with an ED!"

"Thats the biggest twat ive ever touched!"


"uh uh uh, what are you sucking on your boyfriends dick!?"

0 Let Me Down
What?! [04 Jun 2006|11:40pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Jeff was here until about 1230 Friday night.

I got about 6 hours of sleep.

SATs BLEW. Holy shit. Im not taking those anymore.
That was the longest i have ever had to sit still. It was horrible. I started to lose my concentration towards the end.

And i come home to a wonderful IM from Kathy...

Xo DuM dE dUm oX (9:19:59 AM): so steve told me that u told him i went/go around sleeping with a bunch of guys

Auto response from OMG its a gnome (9:19:59 AM): SATs... >:o
AHH KILL ME im so tired :-(

ill be home before work at 3

dont call lol

Xo DuM dE dUm oX (9:20:03 AM): is that true why would u say that


WTF?! Ive cut myself out of steves life. why is he gonna do that shit!? I mean how OLD is he to sink that shallow?! I want to call and bitch him out so fucking bad but thats exactly what he wants me to do, so im not. He wanted me out of his life, not to talk to trevor or christine, and I havent. Why is it everytime im happy..he has to ruin it and stress me out.


Yesterday was a BLAST!

I called out of work and told them my mom hurt her back. I went and picked up Brooks and we went to lunch at Fridays. From there we went to Starbucks and then ended up at the barn. I rode Thunder, took him over a few jumps. He was good. Lazy, but good.

After we called tim and steph and asked what they were up to..and we went and picked them up and went upto marios for dinner. We decided it would be fun to get everyone together for bowling. We called Beth and Dave and Burka. So I had to stop at home and then we went.

Good thing I was home when I was, My dad called. I asked if ic ould go bowling and he told me no and said "dont leave" and I mexipacked my car and we left...lol.

It was so much fun. Brooks had a great time. So did I. I love nights with my friends. They are my anti depressants, the glue to hold me together. Jeff joined us when he got off at work.

We got home around 2am. Guess who was driving after cerfew!? Awww, breakin' the lawww.

So this whole steve thing completely went down hill. Brooks and Stephanie were playing around with him in the car. It was pretty funny. I did my part and yelled him for dragging me into something that happened over a year ago and was now not apart of. Brooks and Stephanie just played with his head

I mean It didnt bother me yelling at him, but yet we both know eachothers weaknesses and were using them to one anothers advantages. I mean he goes "now you know what its like to be lied about" and im like "what are you talking about" and he goes "you lied months ago" and im like "whatd i lie about" he goes "i dont remember, i just know you lied" wow..you made a great case there!

Then he said I better watch my car infront of like 4 people. and then if something WOULD have happened, his ass woulda been in court with 4 witnesses. I mean who are they gonna believe, the fire and rescue commissioners DAUGHTER or HIM?!

more happened but im not getting into detail. But Steve and Jeff are racing in August for $2000. I cannot wait to see this.

Jeff spent the night and I didnt end up goign to sleep until 3am. I was so tired at work. I fell asleep in the chair. I was tired I felt drunk. No one was there until around 12pm. He wanted me to come back at 6..so i told him I would go home and sleep for a few hours and then come back. Thank god he called me around 5 and told me not to come in cuz I was SO tired.

Jeff irritated me. One minute my problem isnt important, the next it is because he "doesnt want to lose me".. He said he didnt go to bed until for and watched me sleep. aw, how cute. He said he knows what gets to me and hes not as stupid as I think..that my family and my appearance get to me the most.. and they do.

I hung out with brooks for a few hours again today cuz I needed to get out of the house. My parents are home for like 30 minutes and are bitching at me. I threw my shit down screamed at them and went upstairs. I swear to god, JUST GO BACK OUT OF TOWN!

So him and I decided we're moving to Ireland and doing EMS out there and gonna live above a bar lol.

This weekend ive really put my friends before myself. And its kinda caught upto me. But my friends mean so much to me that everything im feeling right now is worth it because i know in return they are there for me.

I dunno. Sleep.

QOTD:
"I like girls with no gag reflex's!"
"Aww, does he need me to buy a grammar book?"
"are you gonna play nice?" "i dont know" "well what do I get if you dont" "nothing" "aww, well thats no fun *click*"

"RETARD.. R-E-T-A-R-D.. sometimes with an ED!"

"Thats the biggest twat ive ever touched!"


"uh uh uh, what are you sucking on your boyfriends dick!?"

0 Let Me Down
[31 May 2006|09:40pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

My dad is trying to convince me to go to medical school. HA! I mean, medicine is something I LOVE learning about and since I love learning about it, it just comes easy. I dunno. I have awhile. I just applied for a job as a transporter in the Emergency Room. Mmm..im hoping.

Mm.. yesterday I went in late.
I never offically woke up. My day was a blur.

I swear Robert is stalking me! Hes always where I am when I come outta class.

I had a dr. appointment at 3. I finally got new contacts! lol I can see!

My mom and i were talking on the way home about my dad. I said he doesnt give my brother or I the emotional support we need which is why we just give up on things sometimes. He doesnt push us to do our best, he does the opposite. Hes just so negative which is why I lock myself in my room or im never home. I dont want to be around that. Id honestly rather have my brother walk me down the aisle than my dad. I give him the same respect he gives me, he yells...I yell. Hes nice, im nice. I dont care who you are, you could be the president of the united fucking states and ill still treat you the same way you treat me. My mom is supporting me going to ASU cuz i have seasonal depression and ASU its nice all year round. She called me practical minded.

After we got home, we went to Blue Ridge Grill for Dinner. YUM! Jeff called while we were at dinner and asked where I was and my mom goes 'cuz he wants to have phone sex with you!" and im likE MOM!

Today, I stayed after school until 630 and waited for my project to print. Everyone loves our layouts. I want to be yearbook editor so bad next year its unreal.

Brooks called and asked if id take him to Sterling. I did. I miss him oodles. I miss him running with us :( I came back to leesburg went to Giant and Staples..then went to Moes. I need to clean my car SO bad. I can do it friday. Im not doing shit all weekend besides SATs and working so...

My parents leave for PA Friday afternoon and dont come back until Sunday afternoon. Jeff is staying with me Saturday night. :) yay. I mean honestly, am I gonna have a party with my dads fucking spy across the street (neighbor/his bff)? NO!

I realized your background sets who you are, but money doesnt. Sure Jeff doesnt have as much money as my family, but I love him for him, not his money. Gosh, everytime I think of jeff going off to Virginia Tech and joining a frat , I just want to cry. Thats when Ill say goodbye. I wont date someone in a frat. Those type of guys are just so unloyal.

Its cute, Steph and Tim met at Stephs party just like Jeff and I. AND! Tim asked steph out in the backseat of a car just like Jeff did to me. Irony. Hes so much like Jeff it freaks me out.. hes just not stubborn like my boy. Tim came over to get his phone and we talked a bit. hes like me, he likes to be repetitive to make himself feel better.. ha. Hes seen the immature part of me the past few days..but he knows my mature part, just like the rest of my crew. Age is more of a maturity thing than it is a number. Ive found that out the hard way. I have a feeling im gonna get in the middle of this at crew because his sister runs with us. Honestly, its none of my business toput out there and I wont lie for him. I told him he owes me $5 every month they are together.

I bugs the shit outta me how if you are 4 years apart.. say 20 and 16.. its frowned upon. But if youre 21 and hes 25..its okay. I think it just cuz its the under 18 thing. Argh.

Steph and I talked about getting an apartment if I stick around and go to NOVA. Even if I go to mason, ill still get an apartment. My dad owes me two years of an apartment because thats what he did for my brother. By the time my two years are up, I could have gotten my LPN from NOVA and have a good job.

THe ones that are under a rock their entire life will go CRAZY in college. Take my cousins for example, they both kinda grew up under their parents wings, good grades, no drinking.. holy shit, itll all change when they get to high school.

My mom made a comment about dick sizes the other day. Something I didnt want to know.

Our crew is having a girls night soon. its so cute, beth, the sister i never had and the ME 15 years from now, wants to talk to my mom and make sure its okay. haha, her mom instinct is kicking in.

Im stressed though. All this talk about college sucks. If I dont get into GMU or ASU, its nova for two year. Id honestly rather get my GPA at NOVA and get my LPN then go right into a 4 year school.

I cant wait until after I have kids, this organ called a uterus is COMIN OUT! I hate how dr's blame everything on my blood clot a year ago and dont run the proper tests. I hate how I have to go to a high risk pregnancy dr when i get pregnant. I hate how I go to specialists for everything I have. Why? All of it is because of one thing, Steve and him wanting me on the pill. Its unfair.

Its crazy, Im younger than everyone in my junior class, but I act older than half of them sometimes.

I donno..exmas need to be over. Projects needs to be over. School needs to be OVER!!!!!! 10 more days!

0 Let Me Down
negative, youre ugly [24 May 2006|08:30pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

Today.. I guess was okay. I have to go in early tomorrow to finish my chemistry test. Faaa. The history test was easy. Ive passed all my SOLs so far.. I dunno about algebra tho.

I had an interesting convo with amanda w. at lunch. Seems im not the only one that feels that way :) I say no more.

Josh made a good point today when he sat down at lunch; all we do is talk shit about girls. Thats all girls are. They talk shit. SO much shit. I talked so much shit today i coulda fed a family of 10 in africa... But, im not like some girls.. ill say whatever i say behind your back to your face. And i dont talk shit about my friends.

CISSEL. OH my GOD. What a fag. I was doing interview a majority of the class and I just got back in the class to start writing my article but there were no computers. So I was casually talking with Jill and Brittany. And then Cissel was like "i need to talk to you outside" and im like "wtf" (he hates me, i hate him, the feeling is mutual). He was like "what have you done all class" and im like "i just got back from doing interviews but i cant write it because there are no computers.. wanna see, i have notes" and i was being a complete bitch to him.. attitude and all. The exact "attitude I give my dad".. I swear by the end of the year ill snap. Ohhh yes I will. And then he randomly askes what my story is about.. then he goes back to me being "distracting with my unique personality" (and i quote) I wanted to laugh in his face. Seriously. And then the tone in his voice raised and was like "just cut it out" and i smirked and said in my head "im making your life a living hell for the rest of the year".. oh ive got something good up my sleeve.

Him, his cat, and his fucking fiddle can live happily ever after.

Jill had a good prank...pretending i fell out the window while i run into the closet and brittany yelling "WHYD YOU YELL AT HER!?" haha.

Im just laughing saying to myself right now "what a FAG"

Brittany got in a fight with Chins today. HAHA chins. "negative youre ugly"... "shes got her panties in a bunch because he wont date her".."im about to slap a bitch" "shut up boob girl"

So after school I went and rode Thunder. He was doing that gay little hop to make himself look like hes lame which he does when 1]. he has a lot of energy and 2]. doesnt want to work.. So Katie was like "take him over a few jumps".. i mean he has been good jumping the fences in the field so i figured why not. IN A DRESSAGE SADDLE..(saddle you dont use for jumping) oh man my back is killing me. He was good tho. No stops. Which is weird. He actually jumped the flowers. I actually think it helped stretch out his leg muscles. It tired him out just like i wanted it to ;) its weird..he hasnt jumped in a year and a half..and he was still amazing. i miss jumping SO much. So what if I cant show him? I just want to jump. Im gonna get a jumping saddle again (just after I go all my dressage stuff).. and whats even more amazing, I remembered everything petra taught me.

The girls who take lessons on wednesday refer to him as "the hyper horse" hahahah . The one girls mom always talks about how pretty he is. aw. my babbbbbbbbby. my pride and joy. my number one. HAH I should make him a myspace. Priceless.

For the past hour ive spent reading cosmopolitan.. haha im a loser.

Jeff and i's 6 month is tomorrow. Times flown.

life from saturday on until school gets out.. consists of

Monday: work 4-8
tuesday: closed
wednesday: off
Thursday: work 4-8
Friday: closed
Saturday: 10-330
Sunday: 10-330

basically until im outta school, i dont see jeff much except for an hour after he gets off work cuz he gets every other sunday off. I was looking forward to that time with him sunday.. but i think im covering for ashley.. which i should do cuz shes covered for me a lot.

QOTD:

"dark chocolate? THIS IS MENSTRUAL CHOCOLATE!"- Josh

"Oh, i know what beth would be.. person most likely to call cissel a fag to his face"- Jill

- 10 Reasons to Date an EMT

..10) We are used to staying up all night.
..09) we are great with multiple partners.
..08) We are experts in Mouth to Mouth.
..07) we are the quickest in rapid clothing removal.
..06) We arrive with our own multi-positional bed.
..05) We'd shock the socks off you.
..04) We always come when we are called.
..03) We are prepared for any rhythm.
..02) We are already familiar with Latex.
..01) We are available Anytime, Anywhere, Anyway you need us!!

0 Let Me Down
[21 May 2006|11:22pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

So i have a kidney infection and spent most of my friday night in the ER. Jeff was there. My mom was there. My dad is a dick.

Last night Jacque and Kenny were here for dinner. I said I was making strawberry dacquris and my brother goes "theyre virgin tho, just like you two" and we both started laughing.

I took two vicodin around 730 because last time I dont remember 2 messing me up.. so I took it for my back. I was so stoned. It was funny as hell and my mom and jacque were just laughing at me. I started shacking after a while and got really giddy.

My brother attempted to talk to the neighbors in german. My brother and dad were going back and forth talkign crap about eacother.. then jacque went out there cuz she took german for 2 years. German people are so fucking smart! Those kids have been here for like 6 months and have excellent english when they came over here knowing none.my brother was like "i have respect for them because they know english because they live in american..those mexicans live here 10 years and dont know english!"

This morning I woke up early (8) to be in Falls church for my lifeguarding class at 9. I got there right at 9 and they gave me directions to the pool. We did backboarding people (its different in water!), how to retrieve people from the bottom, etc.. its simple. They didnt make me stay for the CPR and First Aid. So I have to go back Tuesday to test and finish stuff.

I love how this is my 1st year as a lifeguard and ive gotten the position of assistant manager. HA! and Cromwell is closed mondays so ill still get to see jeff :) I duno id rather have a job that pays less and i have more fun doing.

After I came home and fell asleep until about 330. Then I woke up got a shower, bitched at my dad..then after the shower ended up going to Marios for dinner.

My dad really pissed me off. hes making me pay the difference if I decide to go to ASU..and honestly, i think thats really unfair. This is my EDUCATION! and he wants to be blow everything off because he wants to retired at the age of 48! Atleast wait until im outta college. The one child who can make it into a 4 year school hes talking about going to NOVA.. Honestly, going to nova would be easier..but still!

Then I said something abuoit if I go to nova im getting an apartment..and he said no. and i was like wtf.. you did it for kenny for two years, in arizona and in sterling.. you atleast owe me two years...and he goes, i learned from my mistake with that one.. my mom even stepped in and goes " you did it for one, you need to do it for the other one and shes not kenny".. and i swear if i go to nova, i will NOT live here. If jeffs still around here and we're still together, ill move in with him in a heartbeat. if not, ill find a roomate.. thats apart of college, living on your own. I really want to go to mason..but if i dont get in there..its nova for two years getting my LPN and by then, my two years with my dad paying for the apt will be up and ill be able to afford an apartment. see, i thought this through.

Come to think of it, Jeff and I were talking about apartments the other night. I was saying how my dad would never let me move in with some guy im dating and not married to..even if I had my own room..then iw as like "yet again, he wouldnt let me sleep over at any of my other bfs houses or go to California with any other guy"..i really think my dad likes jeff..yet he doesnt say it. maybe because jeff RESPECTS my parents AND me?

Jacque and I were talking about how if you live with your boyfriend yet you have a different room thats your time away from them if you get tired of them..but if youre married..what do you do? and she was talking about how she just goes shopping..and holy hell, i wouldnt pick any other girl to be my sister inlaw.. shes so much like me. We agreed to take my mom to the strip club when i turn 18..hahaha thatll be fucking hilarious .. AND! get my mom drunk.. jacque said my mom would pretty funny drunk and i agree. We were also talking about how jeff cant make his own decisions sometimes..hes so codependant on othe rpeople..and so am i.. i guess thats why we work out? or is that just bad? It bothers me tho that he wants to stick around an go to mason now..when i know deep down hes still kicking himself for turning down that scholarship to VA Tech cuz of angela..and I dont want him to hold back..i want him to go off and do what he wants (school wise) because in the long run, he'll thank me..and he wont regret it. And im the same way. Im not letting a guy hold me back. Nope.


I love how he picked me up and kissed me. I swear the world spun around us...for those few seconds I felt alone...just him and i...nothing else. It just took me away.

BTW: Peoples stupidity amuses me.

0 Let Me Down
Once I go up, I dont go back down [18 May 2006|07:56pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I defintely rebroke jeffs nose Monday night. its kinda funny cuz lastnight we were just playing around with his nose because its still kinda messed up..and tonight i did something with my hips and hit him in the nose. he said its all numb and everything..and then he still manages to make me dinner.. awww. thats looooooooove. KARMA.. thats all I need to say :) and ive found the easiest way to avoid a fight with him.. just go up and hug him and lay with him...and all is forgiven. thats our way of saying we're sorry to eachother.

I figure I might as well update while my cds copy onto my ipod. So I definitely tranded my jeans for brittanys old ipod today. Now thats a deal! So im having fun with it. I had a problem with the itunes but its good.


I just spent the past like hour of my life on Wendys roof. Someone locked the thing to get down so..I was kinda scared I wasnt gonna get down. Then we got them to undo it..and I couldnt get down. I dont like going down. Eek.

Mike called me at 2am. WHO THE FUCK CALLS PEOPLE AT 2AM "just to chat".. argh!

Chemistry was amusing . I love Jamin! Hes so fucking awesome. He said my personality reminds him of his sister. We were talking about fat people in history and Jamin goes "youve got a nice structure..some fat people are just NASSSSTY *points*" hahaha.

Cissel wouldnt give me back my pen.... I was tugging on it out of his hand and I go "can i have my pen pack" and he let go. Hes such a fag, he wonders why nothing gets done cuz he makes us do such bullshit. I got my interviews done tho.

I went to the barn after. I spent like my entire tim eout there on the phone. I was gonna ride but I definitely forgot my jeans at home and I was in a skirt. Jeff called me and I remember him saying something last night at 130 when he called me about his sister taking his alochol. His parents are outta town so hes managing the house. His sister had a friend over and whatever..and he said to her..just tell me the truth and you can do whatever on friday night and she told him to fuck off..and sooooo she cant have anyone over friday..and if she does..hes calling his parents and if they wont leave hes calling the cops. HAHAHA. that sucks.

I went to visit michael but i failed. He wasnt at work.

My parents are out tonight..so ive been doing nothing. I love it.

I live my life off other peoples stupidity.

I hate myself for starting smoking.. I hate myself so bad. I want to quit 100 percent. Not just one "every once in awhile". Ive been really bad lately. I just wanted a light so bad..and if jeff would have bought me a pack last night i would have been fine.. instead to get me out of a bad mood he gave me a red..i HATEEEEEEEEEE reds....so i got someone to buy me a pack lights.. smoked two...and gave them to my brother since thats what he smokes. From now on.. NO GIVING IN!!!!!!

Im actually getting tired of other people hitting on me. its annoying. Its like as soon as Im taken people go after me, its like guys want what they cant have or something. But when Im single..theres nothing. Im with jeff tho, im not leaving him..its just irritating when people flirt and make remarks sometimes.... its like they just dont get the hint.

So i have like 4 chapters to read... peaceeeeeeeee.

QOTD:

"*me saying something to jamin* they are K-i-s-s-i-n-g"- me
" what?" - Kelly
" *serious face* your mom?"
" HAHAHAHAH!"- Kelly and Jamin

"well done catching the mistakes kelly-" Dobbs
"yeah it makes up for you being one"- Me (you know my jk kelly, ilove you)

0 Let Me Down
[14 May 2006|02:15pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Well everything i just wrote got deleted. so im pissed.

friday i didnt do much. we ran a few calls up at falcons landing. we transported. we didnt eat until 1030. i ended up talking on the phone until 3 am. then we got a call at 330 for a drunk girl passed out in the rd. the cops put us back in service. then we got another call at 830 for chest pain. transported to reston.

i hate being at 25, theres nothing to do.

everyone has nickanmes now..
jeff: laytex boy
curt: starbucks or mocha
tim: rabbit
jeremy: pot hole because he hits them all
me: little rambo

Nicholso thought i was 18..and the ride along thought i was 22. she was like "wow its amazing youre doing something like this so young".. and then patti and gammill said i lost weight. oh, patti knows brittney..thats an interesting thing .

We didnt eat lunch until 1230..no breakfast either. And of course when we sat down to eat we got a call for an unc person. Ashburn took it because our medic was god knows where. Came back to eat and it was cold. The baja fresh didnt agree with my stomach.

I waited around for awhile, watching tv until jeff got there. i knew hed get there and we'd get a call.. sure enough he was there for 15 minutes and we got one. and it pisses me off because the woman just wanted to be transported to ffx. what are we PTS?!

So i came back. and I dunno something hit me, i snapped or something. I just felt like breaking down into tears. i wanted to see jeff. i was tired.. i came to the bunk and slept for about 30 minutes..then jeff called then i fell back asleep til 530.. and we went to station 15 for some grub.

we did a scenerio with tim..actually an exact call we ran last night. he completely forgot his opqrst, pms, to do a full neck check. .. vitals..etc.. but i mean hes learning. i loved helping tho. im putting my knowledge to use by helping others.

we were getting ready to eat and then we got a call. the womens feet were so bad. she had really bad pedal edema. her feet and ankles were like the size of my two arms. we transported. i think we did like 4 transports total. so i got 4 calls for a total of nine.

we went back to 15 to eat.
then after words i talked to cindy. shes amazing. i honestly.. i just i dunno what id do without my crew.

she said it kills her to see me upset on fridays.. she told me that i was number one in my life until i get married. she told me not to settle just because im attached and not to become codependant. why am i gonna hurt myself and waste my time caring about someone who doesnt care about themselves. she said theyre all there for me. and for me to think about myself and that being single is amazing sometimes. eveyrthing else with jeff and is okay besides the drinking aspect. its just me being concerned and not controlling. she said he shoudl respect my feelings tho i trust him when it comes to cheating, but i dont trust the girls. i made her cry becuase i was crying when she was talking about how everyone on my crew is there for me.

beth called me when we were on our way back to 25. she said she could tell i was down and asked what was wrong. i told her that it was about jeff and i having a disagreement over the alcohol thing. she said that this is all what people have been telling me but i just needed to find out for myself. i said i need to accept it or say goodbye. she said i cant change him no matter what and he needs to change himself...he wont change unless he wants to. i just feel like i can breathe when im single.

she said its not wrong to have these feelings that im growing up and getting older.she said you want to be proud of your boyfriend..have fun..party..drink..etc...but sometimes the reason you fell in love with them is the reason youll break up with them. but asking him to stop completely is controlling.

she said it takes a lot.. you need ot be secure in your relationship to kiss other people and understand that at the end of the night that hes the one your with and love. and it bothers me because he doenst understand that. he just thinks its a slap in the face and an insult..but im with him...not whitney.

hes just stubborn he doesnt change his views for anyone.

im number one in his world..but i have nightime depressiona nd need to talk at night..hes the only one i want to talk to and if i dont talk to him then i just bottle it up and not say a word. i understand work and school come before me because they should. they do in my world because thats gonna make or break my future, the rest of my life, and jeff might not be there the rest of my life.

im just scared im codependant on him.. that i cant let go becuse im attached and im afraid to take that step. she said i have so much ahead of me and not to hold back..and i say i cant imagine my life without him..but youll survive.

i just get worried when he drinks when im not there. whose gonna take care of him.. i dont want some other girl, esp his ex, standing behind him making sure hes okay.

she told me to make a compromise to stop making out with girls if he cut back drinking because thats mature..i told her thats what we did and she laughed.

then we started talking about steve.. she said its gonna hurt no matter how old i get.. when im 32 ill think of it and itll still hurt like hell because it meant something so much to you that it didnt meant to him. the reason i hurt jeff is because steve hurt me. i treated him like a fucking prince and it all got thrown in my face...and im not letting my guard down like i once had.

i think i need to stay away form him for a few days to get my mind clear. just think about what i want and whats best for me. maybe take a break and see other people but still be friends... that wouldnt work beccause i love him too much and he loves me.

i cant talk to my friends about it because they see the other guys ive dated and how uch they treated me like shit..and they know jeff is amazing and i dont know what id be with out him. i cant talk to my family because they just judge people

rescue is my second world... my second family is my crew. nothing should be pulled into my second world, i forget about jeff, my brother, mom, dad, thunder.. its just a different world for me which is why i love it so much. you can be great at anything if you love it just as much.

beth is like me completely emotional..etc. so she understands.

she asked me what was up with tim..i said just a friendship beause i wont cheat, my guilt sucks.

promises are words unless they are fulfilled. i guess his promises were just words lastnight because he never called me back like he said he would.

the girls from my crew are all getting together and getting platered at beths one night. im excited because i love those girls. they are my sisters i never had.

hearing michaels voice friday night was exactly what i wanted ot hear. i miss him so much. my brother, my best friend.

i feel like im gonna be sick.

As we grow up we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let us down probably will. You'll have your heart broken & you will break others hearts. You'll blame a new love for the things an old one did. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll cry because time is passing so fast and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures & laugh too many times, forgive freely and love like you've never been hurt because every second you spend angry or upset is one second of happiness you can never get back.


i hate station 25..its too depressing theres nothing to do.l

my dad pissed me off by waking me up at 10 asking me where i was..well station duh. ive told him not to do that . it pissed me off

0 Let Me Down
[11 May 2006|12:28pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Not much has happened. Prom was Saturday.. and a bunch of drama is going on.. that has finally settled out.
Something happen which makes me fall on the floor laughing. I cant say what though. Oh, and something else happened with my brother which ill post on here when hes DONE it.

Jeff and I are leaving for California on July 18 and return July 29 at 512am! Im so excited. Im gonna get to see Bri and see my cousin Pam! E! I cant believe my dad is letting me go.. because its just Jeff and I staying at his sisters house. He must really like Jeff.

Prom was fantassssic. The food at dinner sucked, but other than that it was great.

Some people were like, fucking on the dance floor. It was damn nasty. carly was like "ew youre nasty" and the girl goes "whateverrrr" haahaha.

We wanted to leave at 11...we all agreed on it. Then it came time to leave, and Dusty didnt want to leave. It was irritating but we left a little after 11.

After that we went and got our drink on. We all played beer pong. Jason and Carly dominated. I was doing pretty well too. Everyone was so hyper.

We couldnt break "the seal" until 2... but we all couldnt hold it.. so I ran upstairs and went and carly tries to come in and she was like "aww, illjust go pee on the lawn then"...and i come out and go outside and theres like 3 people peeing outside..and im like wtf?! it was hilarious tho.

Carly is hilarious, she goes " why didnt we all hang out sooner?! this summer guys... " i love her!

Then around 3am some serious BULLSHIT happened. Jeff and I were so close SO close to being over. Ive never seen him so pissed off..and at me for that matter? yeah it sucked..but its all worked out. It was this whole big drama thing until about 5 in the morning. I feel bad, bc i dont want jason and carly to think we're always like that when we drink..but last night was just a bad night after that. Im just really depressed today and im wondering if things will be the same..if there will be tension and no trust. if there is, we have nothing anymore. I thought he would be over it by this morning because I promised and am goingt o do what he asked...but the fact that hes still upset about it hurts me even more.

0 Let Me Down
[27 Apr 2006|11:02pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Ive been uber sick and congested lately. I lost my voice this morning. Sucks MUCHO.

PMS + Prom planning + being sick= NOT A GOOD COMBINATION

Basically, Im 90% positive that we're getting rooms at Lansdowne. We're probably eating dinner there too.

Im pretty sure I got a job at NVPools also. I also applied at Lansdowne as a lifeguard.. so it could go a few ways (id rather work for lansdowne)..hmm almost $ 10 an hour.. for about 40 hours a week to get tan and watch kids in a pool.. i think so 8-)... thats a job for beth... I think they might pay me more tho cuz im an EMT.. woosh :)

Jeffs 19th birthday was yesterday. And our anniversery was the day before. I stayed home yesterday and took him to lunch and all . I got him a money clip with his initals ingraved since he HATES carrying his wallet and always has a shitload of cash..anddd a body pillow for him to hold and sleep with when im not there ( my mom thought of that...and i told her she wasnt supposed to know i sleep with him..she said she wsnt stupid)... He's getting a tattoo from his parents.

oh, I got all B's and 1 C on my report card. GO ME. I dont know how ive been sick only 7 days last quarter..she must not have marked me absent on the days I go in late and assumed I was there even tho I didnt sign in. HAHA stttuuupid bitch.


So I was reading some stuff on Jeffs myspace that I never really looked at before..and it says all this stuff that is SO adorable about us....It actually made me cry. Why? because I feel bad. I treat the one person who did nothing but care about me like crap sometimes....I take it all for granted. And one day it could be gone. Im not doing that again, realizing what you have after its gone... no, no way. I love Jeff.. and I dont know why I act the way I do sometimes..I just..need to stop. Grow up.


so this is the prom dress i decided to wear... yes, my face is that red..sorry about the blurriness

0 Let Me Down
[19 Apr 2006|10:15pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

School sucked. I dont remember Algebra. I remember being confused though.

Newspaper flex Brittany and I talked about old inside jokes from 9th grade. They'll never get old. English flex..uh, I slept. Yearbook, I got the first part of our project accomplished. Theres 6 people in my group, when the rest of the groups have like 3-4. Ergh!

I never realized how much people smoked pot/drank/did drugs until this year. It amazes me. The people you least expect to be doing it, do it.

Mrs. Hagood stoppped me in the hall and she was like "are you graduating this year?!" and i go "No" and she slams her fists on the table and goes "DAMN!"..haha I love that woman. Then the sub we had for Cissel was sitting with her and he goes "i oh i remember her, chatterbox" and mrs hagood goes "some people never chagned from 7th grade".. Then she talked about how bright I was but im just talkative. She said something about Caroline being a good kid. ahaha Caroline.

I left at 230 to go to Dominion Saddlery and get stuff done. I got new boots. My old ones were WAY too small and ive had them since 6th grade. Can we say foot cramp? So there goes $180. Then they didnt have the cribbing collar or fleeces I wanted. So I came home and got my checks to go cash.

I swear to GOD people are fucking retarded in this area. The woman at the bank goes "you have someone elses check" and im like "NO Beth is my nick name"..and she wa slike "oh okay" in her little punjab accent. Then I go to leave and some dumb ass was blcoking where I wanted to turn...so he sat there and just waited for me to move..and im like FUCK FACE MOVE!

I went to Tractor Supply and got the stuff I needed. There goes another $60. $50 fucking dollars for a cribbing collar, jesus christ.

Then I go to Sheetz and some STUPID bitch pulls up behind me to wait for my pump when there were like 4 other pumps open. So I had to hurry put the gas in my car and leave. Then I pulled into a spot to go in and pay.. and I come out to back out..look behind me both ways, even look at the light where Sheetz is and NO one is in sight, I back out..and im like halfway outta my spot and if u know sheetz you know sometimes you have to wait for the person to pull out..and NOPE this girl keeps going and honks at me like its my fucking fault. She came outta NO WHERE and I was like halfway outta my space.

Northern VA is too fucking crowded. Im getting outta here.

SO I came home cuz I was in a bad mood.

I ran into Petra. She was leaving as I was coming tot he barn. She was like "Aww, this is goodbye. Keep in touch. Where are you moving him" and i go "off sylicon road" and she goes "oh do they have a ring and everything" and I said with a smirk to rub it in her face "YEP! The ring is lighted and everything". Thunders new stall is the size of my old bedroom. Its huge. Even Jay said when he dropped Thunder off "thunder youre going from the slums to taj mahal" hahah. And she was like "im sorry".. and I felt actually kinda upset. Petra really did teach me a lot. I learned so much for him and she was pretty good to us. But im kinda happy to get outta there.

We loaded all my stuff up into my moms car and waited for jay.Jay didnt get out to the barn until about 8. Thunder was a good boy and loaded right on the trailer. he hasnt been on a trailer in 3 years. I was impressed.

We got to the new barn around 820. He was all sweaty when he got off the trailer. He was good. I could tell he was loving all the room he had in his new stall. I unloaded my stuff real quick. I wish I coulda spent more time with him to make him a bit more comfy. But im gonna go see him tomorrow after school. Jay was telling Shannon (the new barn owner) how much of a comedian he was and everything.. and how good he was. And how he was good for teaching other horses a lesson. My mom changed the subject because Shannon doesnt know about that incident.

I left and now Im home. Its good to have that Thunder stuff off my mind.

It actually made me throw up when I got home.

Jeff has bronchitis and tonsilitis..

Everytime I think of this time last year, I get this weird erie feeling. Maybe its because it was the time of my life I actually came into myself and grew up. I just cant explain it. I love when you listen to certain songs and they remind you of the past.

QOTD:

"why doesnt she pull up her pants..if my crack were hanging out like that, itd bother the shit outta me"- me
"maybe she likes the breeze?"- Jill

0 Let Me Down
[14 Apr 2006|03:05pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

So im driving home yesterday and Petra called my mom and said thunder needs to go. He said that he beat louey up and hes sratched from head to toe. im sorry but it takes two to tango in a fight. my horse just doesnt beat the shit outta anothter horse for no reason. shse just over reacting, like usual. aparently he took out fence parts.. i just want to give up. i cant handle this. my stress level shot through the roof..everything hit me at once.

Shes blaming it on me for not coming up there.. wtf..sorry i have another LIFE. I just love the way shes blaming my horse 100%.

fucking bitch is overreacting, i swear...ill go off on her.

So Louie has 17 stitches and aparently Thunder flipped him over the fence. Im sorry , but Jay agreed with me when I said, my horse doesnt go off on another horse unless hes provoked. This is the FIRST incident in the 4 years Ive kept him up there..and shes gonna kick us out on the first one? ha. Jay even TOLD Petra when I moved out there that Thunder has dominance issues. If you put him with a horse thats a push over, he'll take advantage of it. Jay always put Thunder with horses who needed lessons being taught to because he could hold his own and get into their mind.

My brother was like "HELL YA! That pussy kicked another horses ass. He knows how to kick ass"

Im probably going upto Jays until I find a place. We're going to look at a place tomorrow. Jay told me not to rush finding a place and to just look for a place who will actually take care of him. Well, it looks like im back to driving an hour just to see my horse.... I wish jeff had a fence , i could keep him up there

When one thing gets better..something else happens to make it all fall apart again.

Last friday was my EMT graduation..

I went to lunch with my mom. After, Michael, Brittney and I went to tysons. I only spent $79. Not bad for me. On the way, some dude spit on Michaels car..hah, oh man.

I came home around 4. We went to Blue Ridge Grill at 445 for dinner. SUCKS I didnt finish everything. Jeff got me roses. Aww, thats the second time he's done it for me (he only did it once for Angela..=P )

Then we went to Heritage for my graduation! :)

Beau came up and was like "im surprised you havent dumped him for a straight man yet" ha, funny.And he was like "how many months" and i was like "almost 5" and he goes "ohhhh wow" cuz he didnt think it'd last this long.

Blah blah, my dad, im sorry, COMISSIONER RAMBO gets up to speak. And he starts off with saying "to my daughters horror, im up here speaking"..and im thinking "great, hes gonna say something else about me" ..and sure enough, he did...He said something about him being 16 when he started EMT and its "now a scary thought to think my daughter is doing the same thing"...THEN he was talking about how my brother is a FF and im an EMT and how my brother called him to tell him he had his first house fire..and how he got to also listen to the rectal bleed story...and how he enjoys seeing us doing the same thing that he did and how we have disputes between SVFD and SVRS in the house..

Then Chaplin Charlie Grant gets up to talk and was like "raise your hand if you have parents in the fire and rescue system" and so I did, and Charlie goes "besides you elizabeth, ive known you since you were crawling around" and again, this is the torture I get for having a father in the FR system. Beau came upto me again and goes "congradulations" and i was ilke "thanks, you didnt think i could do it did you?" and he goes "no, i knew your brother couldnt do it, i had some faith in you" hahaha.

Some dude from the Leesburg Today took my dads and i's picture. OH SHIT SON. If that ends up in the paper, just no....Then he asked me my age....Woohoo Comissioner and his daughter, BIG WHOOP.

So I left to go to jeffs...Katie, her bf Alex, Nick, Adam, Little David, Katie, Karen, Jeff , Michael, Brittney and I were all there.
I got there and had only 1 smironoff..and 1 Miller... My dad called and told me he was proud of me and how what kenny does takes physical ability, and mine takes mental... hahahah. i was laughing as i took a sip of my beer.

then michael and brittney got there and they cracked open the so co.. that thing was gone in about 10 minutes. I had, I think 8 shots TOTAL...but I had them all one after the next, when I shoulda paced myself. Doing that was what killed me. I out drank a few people in shots tho, pussies.

From 10 minutes on after that I dont remember SHIT. I can now say ive been drunk and dont remember what happened that night. I remember being on the porch and apparently i dropped my camera like 5 times... and then I threw up in the kitchen sink.. (ive only thrown up 2 times drunk...and i like i said, shots one after the next killed me)...and I remember jeff trying to get me to eat bread, but i kept spitting it out. Then he was yelling at me telling me he'd call my parents. Then i somehow ended up in the basement bathroom throwing up and some how my hair was being held back..then I ended up in bed..and passed out. I dont remember any of last night. I remember certain moments, but not all of them.

Ive come to the conclusion that i have a major problem with drinking. Im not gonna be like my dad. Jeff isnt letting me drink anymore because of last night. and Because I dont listen when im really really drunk and i was yelling back. How am I supposed to know what youre asking me to do when im SHITFACED?! If people dont yell at me when im drunk, ill listen. And because of last night im no longer drinking, i swear im stopping. Ive never been that messed up before. It was scary. Jeff threw up too after he chugged 100 proof vodka. But hes kinda pissed at me right now, so im laying low. I feel bad. Really bad.

Love is holding your girlfriends hair back as she threw up. Hahah.

0 Let Me Down
its the way you make me laugh, wheni dont even want to smile [04 Apr 2006|10:00pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Its the one time a month that my face turns pale because of the lack of iron in my blood..and the speed at which im losing blood.. The one time of the month where I feel sick to my stomach all day.. The one time of the month that I dont want to move from where im laying and no matter what I do, nothing makes the pain go away. Its the one time a month that I just dont want kids anymore because this pain isnt worth it....Its the one time a month that If im standing longer than 5 minutes, ill faint..its the one time a month that my lips turn almost white and you can see the lack of energy in my eyes.


Why cant I just be healthy like I used to? I want to be healthy so bad. For the past year and a half of my life, ive been living in and out of doctors offices. And I didnt think ANYONE understood what its like until I met Jeff. He has it much worse than me..such a medical condition that im one out of the three people who know..yes his is that more serious than mine ever will be. Mines not a matter of life and death anymore..its a matter of just feeling like shit a few weeks outta the month....but sometimes, when everything hits the fan and I find myself sitting in the doctors offices waiting to have my blood drawn or sitting in the ER..that I really do want to die.

I dont think any of my friends really do understand whats going on with me.. maybe they would understand, maybe not. They just think its as simple as "she had a blood clot in her lungs because she smoked while on birth control"..nope, not at all.

And its every day that I live my life like this that always makes me want to quit smoking..which is why i did. I sit here and complain, and that would be one thing..but im actually taking action to helping myself.



As for today, I suffered through the pain. I made it. I want that $70.

My dad made fun of me because I go to a therapist..and its jacked up shit like that that makes me go to one..Calling me crazy and shit.. I wanted to smack him. And the sad part about it is, he was drinking when he said that. he saw how much it bothered me, and he finally backed off.

Another thing I dont understand is why do black people say they want to be treated equal and everything..and then when they get arrested or something they're like "its cuz im black"..wtf man?

I think im just gonna be working for my mom from now on. That way I can be at home if im sick and still make money and have my own schedule. She pays $25 an hour for parties..not bad.

But im still looking around.

Friday we ran one call. It was seizures. And I got to precept! It was kinda hard because 1]. the language barrier and 2]. it was a medic call and the medic was on his way. So I did my patient history and all that fun stuff and he got there. I think everyone was surprised how well im transitioning. Alan, the medic was like "how many calls has she precepted" and Kurt was like "two" and he was surprised. Thats uplifting but at the same time I was kicking myself becaus eI felt like I could do so much better. Im too hard on myself, really. I just need to realize I have so many other calls im going to run and everything will come in its own time. My goal is to get released by September 11. Well, thats like a week before my one year is up.. so I have to be released by September 23.

I love riding upfront with Cindy. We were sitting at the light on Sterling blvd and holly and she looks over and goes "mexicans" and then I looked out infront of here and just went back into my seat.. and we both started crackin gup because they were just staring at us. Then driving down potomac view, she couldnt see if it was the other unti coming our way or a truck and I go "wanna borrow my contacts" and she started laughing. Then I randomly go "have you ever tried to stick your head out your window but smacked your head on the glass" and she goes "YES I HAVE!" which was comfortin gbecause im not a complete idiot. I love her laugh, its just funny to laugh at.

Its funny how life works. It works in the most unexpected ways. I know im not alone when I say It was totally unexpected for Dustin, out of all people, to die. Then the outcome of that persons death is also unexpected. I did expect to be close with Dani again. And I never thought that Laura and Id really be talking. I guess life takes you in wierd directions sometimes. Its wierd.

As we grow older, we learn to cope with the things that hurt the most. Thats just apart of life. Life wasnt made to be easy, if it was, we wouldnt be here.

0 Let Me Down
[27 Mar 2006|06:17pm]
[ mood | depressed ]





Today everyone said their last goodbyes...
Im going to miss that big grin...
and you making fun of me when I scratch my nose when I see others doing it...

we'll miss you Dustin.
Ihop and the summer parties will not be the same without you...

RIP Tallman

0 Let Me Down
[25 Mar 2006|10:03pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

RIP Dustin.. 3.23.06...


I cant believe hes gone. I still cant get over it and its been two days.

Dustin Vancamp passed away Thursday night. he was too young =/

Its just a complete shock, not to me, but everyone who knew him. It just goes to show you how quickly life can get taken away from you.

He was on his motorcycle. And im sure if anyone ever asked him how he wanted to die, he'd say on his motorcycle. He hit a car head on. My dad is the duty officer for this week and said he hit a car head on on Belmont ridge road and was thrown 40 feet and hit a tree. He had an open femur fracture and a sucking chest wound.

Doing what I do, you have to get to the point where you can just brush things off because if you dont, youll never survive. But when it hits you, its a totally different story.

Ill never forget the moments at ihop or the nights we were at his apartment drinking. I will NEVER forget those. Espcially "whos feelin good" and "why dont you just go BLOG about it?!" or the " *insert your name here* put your clothes back on, trevors coming over!".. i remember the first time i met him he sat on steve and steve yelled "DUSTIN! IM not THAT gay"..so many good times that I can just look back on more than I ever have.

Last night, we didnt run anything. I am precepting though. People kept asking me what is wrong.


Being with my crew and doing what I love is my way to get my mind off things. This is exactly what I needed after the day I had. it kinda finally sunk in around 9. My crew was and has been real supportive though.


I fell asleep with images of Dustin in my head. Everytime I closed my eyes, Id see his smile...that grin that was so adorable. It sucked.

We woke up around 745. We went to breakfast at Ihop. Ihop, something else dustin loved.

Of course, the only call we ran that I led on today was a motorcycle accident. It figures.

It was funny, this morning standing in the cold, I go "i cant feel my ears, is that bad?" and Cindy flicks my ears and I go "OWWW!" and she goes, "i guess you can feel your ears then" hahahaha. Beth is like me in 15 years. We are too much alike. She gets so hyper and then she crashes like an hour later. Shes like me 15 years ago. I love that girl to death, shes like the sister I never had.

Jeff came to visit me. It was so cute, he was sitting in his car and he goes "hug" and i said "im not bending over" so he jumps out of his car, picks me (kinda like hes tackling me at my waist) up with one arm and puts me on his shoulder.. it was so cute..i love that boy too much. I miss him already.

Weve only run one call which sucks SO much. We're only 24 hours into it, but it sucks to be wasting my weekend. Up until about 5pm, we were the only unit who hadnt got a call, which is weird. Beth, Brian and I put together are like white clouds.

I got a lot of my first due training stuff done and theyve let me start precepting (lead on calls). I just have to take my 6 month, then im done and offically precepting!!! Im so excited. Beth and I got to sit in the ambulance by ourselves while the men worked on the tech truck. boooring. i got a nose bleed that lasted forever. it sucked.



XxFoUr20HuN1xX: Beth.. i just wanted to let you know how sorry i am for the loss... michael, brittney and I were all shocked to hear about it. Im sure hes in a better place right now. Keep your head up, keep prayin. things will get better. hope you doin ok.

Auto response from OMG its a gnome: of course, the call i just led on was a motorcycle accident :-(

XxFoUr20HuN1xX is away at 6:24:09 PM.

I passed my 6 month test!



yay!! im offically precepting. 10 calls and im released to be incharge !

scary, isnt it?

And for my EMT graduation present, Jeff and I are going shopping that weekend. And my budget is $200 for clothes! I have the best bf everrrrrrr.

0 Let Me Down
How does it feel to know youre everything I want? [21 Mar 2006|09:08pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Im tired of all these health problems.

Thats it. I feel like some 80 year old grandma. NO more smoking. And NO more stressing out.

I went to the hospital Saturday night because my chest was tight again and I was having shortness of breath. Ive had it on and off all week and it usually goes away... but it wasnt going away.

So i called jeff and told him. he was drunk. I was disapointed because I wanted him there...he makes me feel so better on so many levels. he wasnt DRUNK though he only had like 2 beers. I gave him 1000 guilt trips, because I felt like shit that he once again chose beer over me. So he had to wrestle his friends mom to get his keys back. He came and saw me. First thing I saw were his eyes and how he just looked fucked up. My mom and I were actually laughing at him because it was funny. He really wasnt all that drunk...ive seen him worse.

They did all these fun tests... the EKG, the one where they put that dye in my body and makes me feel like im gonna piss myself... the chest xray. They didnt find anything. They gave me vikadin for the pain..and MAN am i feeling pretty good. Jeff had to mention wendys on the way out..so i was like "MOM WENDYS!" and she was like "OK"...so fatty got herself some wendys.

Ive come to the conclusion is its all the stress and the depression and everything else going on in my life lately. See, I got the OCD of my mom and the ability to get stressed about everything from my dad.. put them together and its not a good combo.

My mom is the coolest.



Well, Im no longer taking hazmat. I mean, there was no point in me staying in for the rest of the class if im just gonna have to repeat it in August. Now WHY do I have to repeat it in August? Well, cuz I went to the hospital Saturday and had to skip Sunday, whcih was "the bread and butter" of the whole class. Oh well. I could have stayed to learn everything and that way when I take it in August, itll be easy, but nupppppp , im lazy and tired. So I left. Whatev.

To start off my day, im told im not allowed to drive to school because its "supposed to snow". So my dad started off with me pissed. I drove anyways because basically told my parents to go fuck themselves, i pay for the car, in a way without actually using those words. Yep, and the snow is just now falling.

I had a test in Chemistry and History today. I dunno how I did. THe history one wasnt so bad. I actually had to pat myself on the back today because im kicking ass in those two classes. Especially Chemistry.

Brittany and I just laughed the entire newspaper class. I think we piss Cissel off, on an average, of 4 times a class. Oh its worth it though. "WHy dont you take some polish to that dome on your forehead?!" hahaha.. oh man. I dont even remember what we were laughing about.

I came home to drop off my car. Then went tanning with Britt. Then came home and worked out. Then i ate and went to hazmat. ha, my parents werent home like all day, I coulda gone out. Asses.

So basically im waiting for Jeff to get off work. Yep. What a life.

Good news: no more hazmat and I can pick up where I left off

Bad news: I have to take it again in August and now I have to go back to getting a job :( :(

Im gonna go eat something HEALTHY because all i had for dinner was salad and yogurt. mm.

2 Let Me Down
Well... [17 Mar 2006|03:50pm]
[ mood | crazy ]



HIGHLIGHTS

- I dyed my hair darker.

- Im taking a hazmat class that makes me want to kill myself. I feel like a firefighter in 'dem clothes

- ive been sick with a cold. i just had a nose bleed that lasted about 20 minutes. Me stressed and no sleep, equals me getting sick.

- my grades are good for not ever going to school.

- We told my dad about Jerry. Hes excited.

- Ive neglected to see Thunder in two weeks. I feel bad, but Ive been sick and busy with class.

- Im jobless. and broke.

- Ive been in a pretty good mood lately. Im just waiting for something to ruin it *taps foot*

- my bumper has finally been fixed. and i almost got rearended AGAIN on the way home last night from hazmat. stupid drivers who tailgate.

- prom limo stuff is stressing me out.

- ive cut down to about 2 cigarettes a week.

- dispite all the shit jeff and ive been through lately, i still love him more than anything.

- I saw Jay and ruth this weekend

- im finally precepting with Sterling Rescue. Im on my way to being released! I precepted my first call Friday. It felt good to put all that knowledge to good use.

0 Let Me Down
Youre the only one.... [06 Mar 2006|11:35pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

...who can break me being pissed off by making me laugh.

For that is why I love you. Youre the only one whose ever been able to do that. No one else can.

I was going to go into school late.. but my UTERUS hurt. I cannot tell you how painful it all is for me.. its not cramps either. Theyre just PAINFUL to the point where all I want to do is crawl up in a ball and sleep.

Jeff called when he woke up. We got in a fight... I hate fights when im on my period because I exaggerate things 800 times worse than they are and all the emotions. I go through thress stages: pissed, crying, "dont care anymore"-- yep. I felt like he was treating me the way steve did and I wasnt gonna stand for that again. I told him we need to have a serious talk and if he wasnt willing to do that, it was over. And I was serious this time. He said he'd "call me later" after taking Roberto to county... I didnt know WHEN later was so I left my house.

I ended up going to get gas and Jerrys dog tag. THen I told my mom I was going to the barn to visit thunder (cuz i was so upset i couldnt be in the house)-- and I just kept driving instead of turning. I was on 15 N.. ended up in Fredrick..then turned around and went through Lovettsville and ended up in Brunswick, MD and thennnn turned around, went through lovettsville and went into Purcellville. I met Jeff. We rented a few movies and went back to his house and "relaxed " like he wanted to.

Basically, i felt like he was pulling away from me lately... like I did right before Steve and I broke up. His attitude about it was the same Steve's was. I cant emotionally handle going through that again. We ended up getting in a disagreement about how I didnt feel like he gave a shit anymore and he got mad because thats how I felt..and how I didnt like how he "toughed up" on dealing with situations. I cant be satisfied.. which makes him wonder how to act about situations.. Like one minute ill be like "you should know this we've been dating for how long?" and then the next im like "WHYD YOU DO THAT?!" and hes like "you told me to"... so today he said "either way im screwed huh?"

He said something, I cant remember what and I was like "fuck you its over" and was about to walk out the door. I then told him once I walk out, im not turning back and its really over. I saw his face drop.. I saw his face just, change. I said "i dont feel like youd give a danm or even stop me from leaving"... then he made this comment about the DVD then TV turning off.. .and I go "see thats me laying in bed and you being the TV and turning off on me" and he goes "acccccctually it was the DVD" and just the way he said it I laughed... then he started laughing and that basically broke the ice.

I jumped on his bed and he hugged me and said "you know I love you with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I hate when you act like this sometimes.. youve over exaggerated things the past week and ive just let it go because i know why" (insert beth starting to cry when he said that here) and i was like "did you really think id leave" and he goes "No" and I go "you know it would have been really hard for me if I did" and he goes "i really was going to chase after you, just at the last second... make it more dramatic" and i was like "oh like they do on the movies?" and he goes 'YEP".. aww.. Thats why I love him. Then he saw that I was crying and he wiped my tears away.. like he always had done in the past.

THen later on he was watching tv and i kept trying to get his attention cuz i had to leave and I go " you have the TV all the rest of the night, i need you for 2 minutes to say goodbye" and he goes "well i have you for the rest of my life"

You dont realize how much you love someone until they hurt you and you make up. when we were talking tonight, I felt like I did the first night I met him.... Ive missed that feeling. Lately ive been so confused and lost about us, and then this fight tonight made me realize how much I truely love him.

Jerry is sleeping on my pillow. He better not fart.

I gotta shower then call Jeff.

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